Every day is an Adventure. Your life is an Epic Tale.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for illegal immigrants, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike piano playing, I can pilot unicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook "Thirty Minute Meals" in fifteen minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in the UK.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play jazz cello, I was scouted by the White Sox, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I was the star of an adult film. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my chocolate delicacies. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the front row seats. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children and animals trust me.
I can hurl office furniture at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby ♥♥♥♥, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small haberdashery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a panini press. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
People pay me money to handle sharp implements and play with fire.
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Next automatic update on November 22, 2026 at 07:37 AM.
